Jump

My car battery is dead....again! I am stuck in midtown in need of a jump or a ride to Kragen. Send help!

Space Work

I just spent the last thirty minutes honing my space object work. That's fancy talk for "using imaginary things." Today I tackled picking up and reading a book. I practiced with Dead Until Dark. If you ever see me reading on stage this will be the book I am picturing. You have insider knowledge!

Best Buy

Dear Best Buy,
How can an item be, "sold out online." It's hard to be sold out of something in the digital realm guys. This is such an transparent ploy to get me into a brick and mortar Best Buy. Maybe I'll just surf on over to Circuit City, Costco, Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, or Target! I hope you understand I have other options Best Buy. I don't need your games!

Engine

My engine just died. Ah!!!!!!!!

Planning

This is a great shirt, especially for the holidays. The vertical pattern is slimming, and the dark colors hide those embarrassing Thanksgiving food spills. I just realized praising this shirt makes me sound like like a fat slob.

Stop

I enjoy sitting at the crossing guards, waiting for a train to speed by, because it's one of the few times you're stuck and have to relax. No amount of toe tapping will hurry a train, so might as well unwind.

Ordering

When hungry, and faced with options, I'll consider the price of each meal. I figure the costlier ones offer more food. Taking my weight into consideration, I'd say the theory holds.

Faulkner

Last Friday night I produced an improv show called Faulkner, fittingly inspired by stream of consciousness writing, often used by William Faulkner. I was (still am) tired of improv that seems focused on a plot and game. The getting there has seemed to become the goal. Blah!

I want to create a series of, seemingly, unrelated scenes. I want to challenge an audience; they must make connections (if any) amongst scenes. I want to start a show at a dead sprint and dare the audience catch up. I want to work with people who listen, care, and support everything I do, because I will do the same for them. And, my teammates can't ever apologize for what they add to a scene.

I felt channeling our consciousness on stage would be the ideal way to reach these goals, and Faulkner was born. Friday night I formed a team of EJ, Jason and myself, reviewed my goals, and then performed hours later. It was phenomenal! People really loved both our performances Friday and Saturday.

It was so rewarding to succeed at something you so passionately believe in. EJ and Jason made me better in the show, and I made them better. The feeling of support was indescribable, it made me want to help them. It was a great moment in improv for me.

I hope everyone feels that unwavering support from someone in life. It's worth writing about.

Haunting

Has The Haunting franchise gone regional? This is a dumb title that screams Hollywood suit involvement. I am sure the execs think adding "In Connecticut" injects life into a series, setting up an opportunity for sequels like, In Florida, In Kansas, In California.

It's too much detail. Suspense/Horror needs to be ambiguous and foreboding, and not sound like a Google map. Spend your time thinking of something terrifying, and Connecticut doesn't send a shiver down m' spine.

Heat

My wall heater is churning out warmth! My place is gettin' cozy! I need cocoa.

Refloat

They call resmoothing the eye flap after LASIK surgery a "refloat." Tomorrow, I have to suffer through a refloat. They have to cut my eye again, and I'm dreading it. The first time it was insufferable, the pain was so intense I had to take 4 sleeping pills after the surgery just to fall asleep. My eye are watering just remembering.

My doc, (who shall remain nameless despite my desire to punch him in his oops-I-couldn't-get-the-first-incesion-right-let's-cut-into-that-eye-again face), says my eye suffered an allergic reaction during the first surgery, which is the root of these problems. Didn't know an eye could have an allergic reaction to LASIK? Neither did I. Doc was shocked too, informing me he's seen it only once in over ten thousand LASIK procedures.

Lucky me.

Now, prior to surgery he has me on multiple meds, hoping it'll alleviate the reaction. That's all we can do, cross our fingers and hope. And, I am hoping, because I'd rather be waterboarded then lie in absolute darkness again feeling that pain completely alone. I just wanted to rip my eye out.

The worst part is knowing it might happen again, and I can't do anything.

Thanks for letting me whine!

Together

Jason got back together with Erin. It made me cry. What the hell is happening to me!

Runaway

Tyra is running off with Cash! What about her college dreams?! Ah!

Tithe

I just tithed money to the church. Money I received as change last night. Change from a strip club. I just tithed stripper money. I await God's judgement.

Asleep

I fell asleep last night watching ESPN. I'm becoming my grandfather.

Poster

I don't care for the new LOST poster, but I'll take it. I'll pretty much take whatever JJ Abrams throws at me. I drank the Kool-Aid for the show a long long time ago.

Advertising

A well placed ad can significantly help a company. Sometimes, that placement is purely coincidental. For instance, the staff at Hooters places the local sports page above the urinal to help the men pass the time (god forbid having nothing to look at for the scant seconds it takes to urinate. Are people lingering here for minutes at a time? There's not enough time to read any article. At least, not for me. Maybe I have an undersized bladder. If it weren't for this bladder I'd know more about sports. This bladder is holding me back! Thanks genetics!). Well tonight, while "passing the time," I scanned the sports page tacked to the wall and saw the following advertisement:

Oh urinalvertising! I guess Hooters is a great place to discover if one suffers from erectile dysfunction. I wonder if this company will get any Hooter's patrons.
"How did you hear about us?"
"While peeing."
"Oh."

Oh another note entirely, "bladder" is an amusing word if said enough. Bladder!

Blue

It's odd, but I respect someone more if their toilet's water is blue.

Always Sunny

It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia's season finale is tonight! I wish I had someone to watch it with.

Abort

My office window backs up to neighborhood street, and throughout the day I hear snippets of conversation as people walk by. Today, two women are power walking by my window and I overhear, "she needs to get an abortion." Ha! Nothing goes so well together like a morning constitutional and womb cleaning.

Anonymous Comments Approved

You can now leave anonymous comments on this blog. Write to your hearts content... from the shadows!

Experimentation

Tonight, I live! Tonight, I sample Diet Pomegranate 7UP!

Teeth

Today, the New Xbox Live Experience came out, and it's full of spiffy features. For instance, if you subscribe to Netflix, you have a catalog of movies you can watch on demand. Thousands of movies, any time? Of course I was enticed and subscribed.

And, like a diamond in the rough, I discovered Teeth is one of the watchable thousands. Since hearing about the premise of this movie months ago, a girl finds a particular part of her anatomy, specific to women, lined with teeth (ie: her vjay has canines), I've been wanting to see this film.

I'm watching it now, it's the first movie I'm watching with this service. A huge archive of films available and I opt for Teeth. I'm sure it means something, but I don't have time to analyze myself; I'm busy watching a guy get his penis "bitten" off!

P.S. It's actually a pretty sophisticated movie, with a lot to say about nuclear energy, gender equality, and sex versus love. I know I didn't present it like that...but all that stuff is there. I swear. Now, back to rapist who lost his penis.

Cops

Whenever I near a cop who is clearly looking to nab a speeder, I smile and laugh. It's not because I find cops hilarious; I fake the joy to specifically avoid cops. I figure a smile unconsciously says, "hey po pos, I'm not doing anything illegal." So far, so good.

Soap

I have no soap or body wash. Time to get creative and use shampoo. If it cleans the hair I am assuming it cleans skin too.

Gifts

Christmas is coming closer Christians (say that 5 times fast). Don't know what to get someone? Stop pacing, because I'm here to help. Consider the gift of a graphic novel. I like promoting "sequential art," (I love that term) because it's so often, unfairly, lampooned as childish. Well, it's not [I say as I stamp my foot]! Here are some truly great works of fiction and non fiction elevated by the art form, not in spite of it.

Blankets by Craig Thompson
Watchmen by Alan Moore
Bone by Jeff Smith
Goodbye Chunky Rice by Craig Thompson
Preacher by Garth Ennis
Box office Poison by Alex Robinson
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
Sleepwalk by Adrien Tomine
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi

Assumptions

I'm listening to the classical radio station ASCAP Concert on iTunes, and they just began playing a song called "Gay Gorillas." I imagined a piece called "Gay Gorillas" would have brass, but shows what I know! It's all piano and woodwinds!

Shopping

Ever waited in a longer line at Target because your longer line checker was the hottest working that night? Yah, me too.

Today

I finished season one of Deadwood today. Don't really know if that qualifies as an accomplishment. At the very most, a lazy accomplishment.

...

I'm lonely. That's tough honesty to sit with.

Hair

I have had some requests to see the new dye job complimented with blonde highlights. Here ye go.

Home Depot

I am currently at home depot staring at so much stuff I don't care about. And, I am ok with that. Thank god there are a breed of people who like, and will provide home repair. I can't reach for my credit card fast enough to pay them.

Dollar Menu

The Double Cheeseburger is no longer on the dollar menu! Outrage! The Man is takin it to us in these tough economic times! I was so irrate I opted for a milkshake instead. They're 'triple thick,' which I am sure translates into 'triple caloric.'

Bump, right?

Isn't it 'Speed Bumps?' Why would you even bother differentiating between a bump and a hump. Either way, slow down.

Touchdown

My brother just landed on American soil. Much safer then those middle east soils.

Stock

Thank you stock market gods for a day of relief. The week has been one session of free fall after another.

Everyone dumping.
Everything.

What once looked like a steal, Capitol Source Inc (CSE) at $6.50, was morphing into a nightmare, bottoming today at $4.50. That's, ahem, a 30% loss on investment in 4 days (I'm tearing up)! But, it's darkest before the dawn (which, as saying go, I still don't quite get)! Today, in afternoon trading, CSE rocketed northwards of 15%. Huzzah (I'm tearing up again)!

Next time I talk the exciting world of investing, I'll warn you at the outset.

P.S. CSE is still at a killer price. If you have money, buy it. Seriously, you'll thank me. It's my good dead for the day.

Sunny Night

To celebrate tonight's episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie's song:

I'm gonna rise up/ I'm gonna kick a little ass/ I'm gonna kick some ass in the U.S.A./ I'm gonna climb a mountain/ I'm gonna sew a flag/ I'm gonna fly on an eagle/ I'm gonna kick some butt/ I'm gonna drive big trucks/ I'm gonna rule this world/ I'm gonna kick some ass/ I'm gonna rise up/ Gonna kick a little ass/ Rock on flyin' eagle!

Makes me laugh every time.

Watermelon

Do watermelons go bad? I have had this one since July 5th. I should probably just toss it out.

Deadwood

Damn you Mr. Milch! I've got the hunger for your show. I'm addicted, and only on episode five. This will destroy my social life.

DEPEND

Is DEPEND still the advertisement in the lower right corner of this blog? Google said these ads would be tailored to blog content. Have I recently mentioned soiling myself, a search for absorbency, or a desire to challenge modern day underwear conventions? Why would DEPEND advertise on my blog? I'm confused.

Message

I saw this in an office today, and thought it was worth posting.

Intervention

Intervention, on A&E is so depressing to watch. The last three minutes is the only rewarding part of the show. Fifty-seven minutes of wretched lives, and three minutes of happiness. I dvr the show and watch only the last few minutes.

Nutritionist

I hired a nutritionist! Kind of. I hired a person pursuing a Nutrition major, looking for a guinea pig to practice on. I will be that guinea pig. In exchange, this guinea pig gets nutritional advice for free.

I'll be getting insights like, "stop eating," gratis.

Exhibit A

Notice the dark splotch in the picture? I present to you, in the upper right corner, mold. Mold that I discovered within a cup, after drinking water from said cup. Disgusting! Revolting! Gagdicious (I'll get this one in Webster's Dictionary yet)! Most people, would immediatly clean such filth, but what did I do? I went "huh," placed the cup on the sink, went to bed, and today, forgetting all about the discovery drank AGAIN from the cup, whereupon I discovered the mold AGAIN. Did I end this cycle of sick and clean the cup? Not yet. I can clean it tomorrow. I am tired and heading to bed.

You can lead an idiot to mold, but you can't make him clean.

Early Morning

Inspiration?

A funny thing happened on the way to salvation today. I was at the church service, they just finished passing around the begging basket (should I call it tithe time?), the band was playing Higher Love by Steve Winwood, and everyone stands and starts clapping along. Starts clapping 2 minutes into the song. Do you know how long that 80's classic is? We're talkin in excess of 6 minutes of synthesizer goodness. Well, I just sit knowing these people have just foolishly committed themselves to over 4 minutes of clappin, because you can't back out of a church clap. You clap to support the singer who sings in praise of Jesus, ergo, you clap for Jesus, and you can't quit on god. Anyways, these poor folk suffered through the clapping demands, you could see the exhaustion in there battle worn faces, and it made me laugh.

On a side note, Higher Love was featured in Always Sunny in Philadelphia this week, which made me wonder if that inspired todays choice. A church that gets its cues from Always Sunny? Questionable inspiration indeed!

Stress

It's been a very long while since I rode a bike. Stationary, frequently, but I have not used a road bike since May. After breaking my radial head I've been hesitant to get on a bike. Well, today I rode, and it was great. I missed riding so much. I still would break a lot going downhill and had falling flashbacks, but overall it was fantastic. I went with Rob, Deanne, and Gina which made it all the more enjoyable.

Success

We found it! Time to lose money and forget about sadness!

Adventure

Elliott and I are lost and trying to find Cache Creek Casino. If you know where this is tell us. We are lost right now. Help!

Great Night?

No.

Great Line

"Cannibalism? Racism? Dee… that…that’s not us. You know, those are the decisions best left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude."

Great Spots

Cliffy B and company over at Epic construct some inspired advertisements.

Great Song

Since August I have been listening to Break the Ice by Britney Spears at least once a day. I had to say it, I had to unburden myself, my dark secret finally revealed. It's an addictive little beat. Not heard it? Make the wise choice, click here, you'll be whisked to excellence.

P.S. I can't get into Womanizer.

Kiss

I'm so happy!  Julie and Matt kissed!  If you know what I'm talking about then you're probably estatic too!

My Bro

Adam, my brother, whom I aspire to be like, is coming home from Iraq tomorrow. It's the kind of exciting you can't put into words.

Realization

Our nation is changing, the world is reeling, these times are trying, and while I sit here thinking of more platitudes, it occurred to me: I can't marry anyone who doesn't love Tell Her About It by Billy Joel. The songs lifts my spirits, any time, all the time. I can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't share my same joy. 

Ladies, you're on notice.

Friday Night Lights

This show is the best on tv. Watch it, you'll love it, and god willing they'll get renewed for another season. Yes, I am using you, but it's for a good...no...great cause. You'll thank me later.

Leaving

One of my best friends is moving away....very far away. The kind of far where visiting him once a year is an accomplishment. It sucks. It's starting to set in how much I'll miss the only person who genuinely makes me laugh. If he reads this post he's going to consider me quite the pussy.

Jelly Belly

As I ate a package of Jelly Bellys today, I hummed the Popeye song (you know, the spinach song). It makes sense, because sugar, like spinach gives me energy. Why am I sharing this? Because, I am a narcissist and I believe, on some level, what I think and do is important. On some level though, doesn't everyone.

Soft Focus

Post LASIK, and I have been told this could last for weeks, I am dealing with the halo effect around objects. Imagine some burly guy smearing vasoline on your eyes and then telling you to look around; it's like that. It's like living within a Spielberg movie.

P.S. Why a burly guy? Because, only a muscular dude could hold me down and coat my eyes in vasoline. In my head it makes sense. A more important question, why am I thinking of a dude on top of me? These questions deserve consideration.

Unsanitary

In True Blood, Bill claws his way out of hiding in the graveyard to sexually satisfy Suki. How romantic! Well, not really, because all I could think about was she is about to bang a guy covered in dirt. I mean....it's going to be... she's going to have...well...you know what I mean (God, I hope I don't have family that reads this blog.).

GTA 4

I don't know if video games desensitize us to violence, but I do know my steady diet of GTA 4 has peaked my ramming-a-motorcyclist-with-my-car interest. Is it bad I wanted to see how far he would fly? Damn you rag doll physics for making hit and runs sexy.

Ceilingscape

Before going to sleep I like to look at the ceiling and make out objects (cloud gazing for the bedridden). Thought I would snap a pic and let you get in on this awesome fun. So far, I see a sailing ship and Pac Man. See anything interesting?

Hydrocele

In all books in all the bookstores in all the world I had to open to this page.

Sway

Why is it difficult for people to keep rhythm? Especially, at church! You would think they’d want to make a good impression on God, assure the divine his creation is moderately intelligent and worth assisting. But no! I have to suffer through singing/swaying with those who lack, on a molecular level, rhythm. I need to start attending a black church.

Wet Homeless

Let me take a moment and pull at your heartstrings. I saw this homeless guy asking for money in the rain. All you libs can stop rolling your eyes, because I gave him a couple bucks. True! Republicans are generous. Hope I rocked your world.