A Very Special My Thoughts

I usually labor over these posts. Each one takes over an hour....easily. I'm low-balling that figure because if I gave you an actual time, you'd gag, and mumble something like "my god!" (actual phrase may very) That comment makes me wonder, however, can someone mumble a sentence that ends with an exclamation point? Can you mumble a "wow!" I think a mumbled "wow" would come out like "wow." Or, it may come out like a "wow..." and that would give a cool trailing off effect.
Anyways.... I’m trailing off (ha!), let me get back the reason I'm writing this. This post is a test. I'm going for stream of consciousness today. Nothing fancy. Everything I think, I'm writing down...typing down...getting down. So...let's see...what's on my mind...ummm...not too much honestly. I need to work more...that's a given. I work twice or three times a week...god I'm wincing having typed that. I know I'm lazy...well...I don't think I'm lazy....I stay plenty busy during the day doing things I think are important. I realize hours later they aren’t...or at least not the most important things out there. That reminds me of what I wanted to talk about.... I have terrible tunnel vision. I focus on one thing and I don’t think of anything else. It al melts away into the background until I'm done with my commitment. Take for example these writings. Once I spent 3 and 1/2 hours writing one little essay...and after having posted it...I couldn’t remember thinking of anything for the last three hours. It's like I had been sucked into some wormhole and dumped out 3 hours later. What did I miss? Well...everything. I write with an intensity (of course that's not to say the writing is worth reading). I'm hypercritical. Have you ever noticed that? That's why I joke so much....it keeps me from being to critical. I don't think I'll ever lose the analytical side o' me mind (but then again I don't think I would ever want too). You know how I started this blog insisting I would expose my every thought...I would for once reveal my mind and how it runs about in a tangential way? Well...I've compromised my integrity. I spent 20 minutes writing an intro for this piece and decided to delete the whole damn thing...I spent 20 minutes fine-tuning something that I tossed away. It wasn't all that funny... tried to make it funny.... and initially it was...but then I got to tampering and it collapsed...to tried to pack to much irony into it. You know the phrase too many cooks in the kitchen will spoil the broth?" Ya, well.... to many revisions to a joke can result in one crappy joke. I should just go with my gut on most things (comedy wise). Like that whole ' "my god" (actual phrase may very) ' bit...after having written that I was pretty proud...the joke is very understated...I like that. I didn’t even think up that joke…well...when I say think it up I mean I didn’t sit over some paper and carefully arrange the words. The phrase just popped in my head and down it went on paper. In the the ring "down goes Frasier," but on my papers "down go the jokes." Let's see...what else should I write about. I bet you're pretty shocked reading this.... didn’t know I could be so free did ya? I despise being so free normally around people. I think it's a sign of weakness. I know...you're probably laughing. But in some ways being so bottled up is good...well...actually it's not...never is...but go with me on this. Sometimes I feel the urge to just beat the shit out of someone. Someone pissed me off and I want to lay into them...make them bleed...see them suffer (did I mention I can be a bit dark?). I never do though. I never hurt anyone...at least not physically…and I even try to restrain from verbal abuse. Anyways.... that’s good restraint....that's good to withhold the urge to destroy someone. If you ever want to know what I'm like when I "lose it"...ask Jon. He's seen me on the edge once...but even then I'd say I was creeping close to the edge but wasn’t anywhere near it. No one sees me that tightly wound. I know everyone thinks I wear my emotions on my sleeves…and that's absolutely true...I do...every emotion with me is on the table...you want to see what I'm feeling? You'll now really quickly. But...and here is where I mask a lot...while I may show an emotion... I show a very tiny portion of that emotion. Confused? Give me a minute to clarify. Let's pretend you're playing poker and you flash everyone the Ace of spades.... ok.... good…now everyone knows you have an Ace...BUT.... they don't know how many Aces you have. Now let's tie this back to emotions. The playing cards are emotions and just because show you I'm happy/mad/friendly/sad or despondent (I just felt like usin that big word... aren’t I smart?) doesn’t mean you're seein HOW happy/mad/friendly/sad or (all together now) despondent I am. Let the record show...I am a complex man who for the last few minutes has rambled on at length about himself. I should really move on to another subject


Bulletin: I really enjoy this free writing stuff...you probably don't like reading it...and I don't blame you.... I usually hate reading the random blips other people write (not your blips of course....the blips of others. Your blips are some of the finest blips blogged).

I am hungry...I need some food. I do hate sending money on food though....becaue you never really see the results of buying it. I mean...we only assume its working.... it’s cheering us up...but is it really the food? Buy a car and you know...you can feel the result of buying it (the steering wheel...the engine...the wheels.... the hot ladies who want to be all over you because you're driving that sweet ride). You feel it all. Now what about food? Ha! You eat and when you're paying those 10 dollars what do you have to show for it? A stain on your shirt? A fatter person? Usually both for me...I need to invest in a bib. know this isnt a deep thought....hell...most of these sentences should be shown to the trash heap...and then burned...and then buried so no one can ever see them again. To the garbage with the lot of you! That’s insensitive though… I should be more understanding of my free thoughts. I should rummage around every sentence looking out those worth exploring...because something good has to come out of this blog...and since something good came out of the free write.... it stands to reason that the WHOLE rewrite was worth my time...because some of those "good" thoughts may have never squeaked out if the "bad" thought hadn't spurred me on. Can you use the word spurred there? Looks like I'll have to hit up dictionary.com. I love that site. Did I mention I'm asking for a digital dictionary for Christmas? It's like a palm pilot but it allows you to look up definitions and it'll even pronounce the word for you. In fact, I can even save new words on the hard drive so I can easily reference them until I memorize them and work them into my daily conversations!! I rarely use exclamation points...but that feature right there is worth boh of them. I think that's such a cool feature. I can't wait to get that. O.k. better go and grab some dinner even though it's only 5:30. I'm havin a good ol' LAN party later tonight with Joel and Jon (we are dorks...but damn its fun...Command and Conquer: Generals kicks ass….(trailing off)…


Paul