Where to Sit in the Theater

When I go to the movies, I avoid the center aisle. It’s a habit I picked up from my dad. A custom passed down through the generations. Why do we sit along the aisle? Because, quite often, we need to run off to the bathroom, and we hate crawling over everyone to get to the aisle. That’s right! A custom built entirely around small bladders.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
“Paul, why my bladder is of normal carrying capacity, I want to be like you (who doesn’t?). In my quest to become Paulish, should I sit near the left aisle or the right aisle?”
Good question! I’ve thought about this for some time now (because I don’t have a girlfriend and have lots of free time. Perhaps, however, dedicating time to these sorts of issues is why I don’t have a girlfriend. That’s worth thinking about!) and I have to suggest:

Sit along the right aisle.

Why sit here? I’m glad you asked.
In a western culture, we read left to right, and if you’ve watched western film, progress is illustrated with movement from left to right. So, if you’re sitting on the right of the screen, all the action tends to move towards you. Imagine sitting near the left aisle. Here, on the left, everything seems to be moving away. On the left it’s more challenging to feel a apart of the picture when everything is moving away from you (why is Nicholas Cage leaving me? Do I have bad BO? Well, yes, but that isn’t the reason. He’s leaving because you’re sitting in the wrong part of the theatre.) Sit near the right aisle, and you’ll be immersed in the film. You can’t help but be sucked in when all the action is streaming towards you. You’ll feel a part of the environment. You’ll walk out of the theatre regretting have snuck into the movie (well, do we ever regret saving nine dollars?).

I’ll add an illustration to help orient yourself inside a movie theatre. I’ll note all the good seats on the right, and all the bad seats on the left. And, if you still feel the middle is the best place to see a movie, do continue to sit there, but don’t try jostling your way past me during the movie because that Big Gulp you insisted on buying is demanding an exit. I just may trip you.