Mi Thoughts

New Day

2011-05-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Truth is...I'm fat! (push button for dramatic effect)

I took a picture of myself a few weeks ago:

I didn't like what I saw. Who would? I need to make a change. I did. Nutrisystem. Nutrisystem is for the lazy. In fact, Nutrisystem is an anagram for Emir Tuns Sty, which translated from Latin means "You need us tubby." That's actually a lie, Nutrisystem isn't an anagram. It's a box of food. Every 4 weeks they send you pre packaged meals. You eat them, in addition to fruits and vegetables, and you lose weight. That's the idea. I'm on week three. It's going well.

At the beginning, however, it wasn't good. It was a hungry hell. I went from consuming roughly 4600 calories a day to nibbling a bare 1500. My body was not happy. It was the Apocalypse. Where once there were plenty of sugar, fat, and salt, there was now fruits, vegetables, and fiber water. I went to bed early to escape the hunger and temptation to eat.

And, I'm doing this all for Jay Sean:

Let me explain....

TO BE CONTINUED!

Define the Term

2011-04-05T17:07:00.001-07:00

I was greeted with the opportunity to improve my "higher math" on my Xbox 360 a few days ago. I realized, however, they seem to think "higher math" means "addition."

I guess this is one way to make your users seem super smart.

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Annual Sit to Feed the Hungry

2010-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

What are you doing Thanksgiving morning? Enjoying your warm bed? Well, change of plans! Join Mi Thoughts and MAYHEM improv and participate in Sit to Feed the Hungry. Sit to Feed is a fundraiser coinciding with Run to Feed the Hungry. It's an alternative for all those who want to raise money for the Sacramento food Bank, but don't want to run. A 10K in the chilly morning? No thanks. Find out more about this great event at their website:

If you're interested in joining us, bring a check made out to Sacramento Food Bank. They're also offering nifty shirts. Class up that wardrobe with a $10 cotton tee. You'll look spiff in your charitable purchase.

Page 38

2010-06-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

Kittens make wonderful bookmarks.

Priorities

2009-12-15T20:00:00.001-08:00

As I wander around Sephora, I want to lean over to some women and whisper in their ear, "don't start here, with makeup. Start with the treadmill."

I Survived Sexual Allusions

2009-12-07T12:47:00.001-08:00

This is the sticker Blood Source handed me after donating a pint of B± (it's one of those.)

"I survived the finger stick," sounds a tad filthy. I shan't be wearing it. But, maybe I'll stick it to somebodies pants.

The More You Know... The Less Ashamed You'll Be

2009-12-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever waved over a waitress and asked, "aren't raisins supposed to be black?" Have you ever looked into the face of a stupified waitress?" Did you know there's such a thing as Golden Raisins?

God, I'm ignorant.

Carpe Dieme

2009-12-05T16:08:00.001-08:00

Hello darling! How I've missed you these past 11 months. I don't like you "light," but it'll do....for now.

I'll Stick With Soda

2009-12-05T00:38:00.001-08:00

Have you ever tried a oyster shooter? It's like swallowing the sun encased in evil.

At The Mall

2009-12-05T00:36:00.001-08:00

I'm glad I lost my wallet. I don't have to worry about having it stolen.

Tick Tick Tick....Boom

2009-12-05T00:34:00.001-08:00

You know those chili peppers in chinese dishes? The atomic ones that ruin your night if ingested? They duel with your digestive track and your digestive track always ends up crippled.

Why do the makers of chinese food add the peppers? No one eats them! The vile little bastards bury themselves into your meals too, turning your delicious platter a war zone. The peppers are the IED's of the food world. I hate them. You hate them. Everyone hates them. Why torture us Chinese?

Thar She Sits

2009-12-05T00:27:00.001-08:00

Oh Winter! A chill in the air, scattered leaves, and an abandoned wheelchair. An abandoned wheelchair?

Strange. A wheelchair. Just sitting on the sidewalk. No one around. Who leaves a wheelchair? People are pretty dependent on wheelchairs. It's not just something you choose to leave behind. It's a mystery.

Up to Snuff

2009-12-03T21:22:00.001-08:00

When I, eventually, own a club I won't have a dress code. I'll have a face code, and a picture of an attractive woman with a sign that reads, "you must be this attractive to get in."

Well, When You Say It Like That!

2009-12-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

I spent a few minutes drawing up reasons buying a modded XBox 360 make sense. I was trying to convince some skeptical family members it's a good idea. Here's what my notes look like.

I think I proved my case! My points are clear and concise and in green ink. It may look like gibberish, but it's all valid gibberish.

Before The Bodies Cold

2009-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

This show should be called The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty should be called The Scraps: Turning Our Brothers Death Into Profit Anyway We Can: We're Shameless: The ABC's of Making Money, As Easy As One Two Three.

It's a long title, but a more accurate one.

He Doth Protest to Much

2009-12-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

This looks like a penis, right? I'm not alone on this, right? It's right there! It's not like I think about penis an unhealthy amount. I just can't help noticing a phallic cul-de-sac. I was Yelping an address, saw this dead end road and thought, "Oh my! Cock!" Well, it was more like "oh my! Cock." I didn't think "cock" with an exclamation point. I not excitable when it comes to penis. Why would I be excitable? Do I seem excitable? Penis is followed by a period, not an exclamation point.

By the by....cul-de-sac sounds pretty filthy.

Retch

2009-12-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I found pizza in my parent's refrigerator. Lots of pizza! A plethora o' pie! The free mother load! I had four pieces and went about my day.

Yesterday, my mom mentions, "I better throw out that pizza. It's been in there for 3 weeks." As I'm dry heaving she proceeds to find mold on one of the pieces.

Eck! I'm currently digesting fungus.

Lopez Tonight

2009-12-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

I've only seen one episodes of Lopez Tonight, and I found it hilarious. Lopez wasn't hilarious, but an older audience member was. Jay Sean and Birdman performed on Lopez Tonight, to an interesting audience. Watch the video, and check out the bald guy near the front of the stage.

What the hell is he doing there? I'm guessing his daughter dragged him into the taping. Was he a fan? Couldn't be. I can't envision this guy listening to Birdman on his way to the office. If you didn't see the elderly gent, here are some pics:

When Mystical Powers Are Misused

2009-12-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

Have you seen this Wal Mart commercial?

If I were that solider, the first thing I'd do when I got home was punch my kid in the face. The kid wished for snow? Dad's dodging bullets and IEDs and you wish for snow? Christ kid, if you have that sort of mystical wish power, wish your dad home, and out of harms way. Stupid offspring.

Corporate Erotica

2009-12-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

I found this image as a header for a corporate website. One of these employees is not like the other. Which one is different? Do you know? Yep. you're right. It's the lecherous guy eye raping web surfers. I feel violated.

Under It All

2009-12-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

I had to drive to Rite Aid this evening for some meds. Under the pharmacy counter Rite Aid was peddling candy. Shady move Rite Aid! You and I both know the depressed medication buying folks are susceptible to the chocolate quick fix. That's why you packed a counter with chocolaty delights. You're preying on the weak. The chemically unbalanced. You bastards! Taking advantage of those who need a quick upper, a quick rush, a quick emotional high! Shameful!

Like selling bottles of Yaeger under AA pamphlets.

Curb Appeal

2009-12-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

Panera Bread! I love your food, but I've never seen such terrible plate presentation in my life. The menu had more color. Menus shouldn't be more appealing then the product.

Getting Some

2009-12-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased a new X Box 360. As you can see, it sits next to my old 360. My best friend Elliot (Oh My God, C'mon) recently commented, "if you want to ever get laid you better hide one of those systems." Touche sir. Women don't see two video game console and think, "sexy! This guy is going somewhere!"

Video Games Make Me Look Tough

2009-12-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

Do you know what I love about the new game Assassins Creed 2? It makes me feel like a bad ass in my white hoodie.

TSO

2009-12-01T16:01:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend the Tran Siberian Orchestra tour stopped into Sacramento. I had never seen the show, and was quiet a spectacle. It was like watching an 80's hair band that found Christ.

Brand

2009-12-01T15:51:00.001-08:00

I am currently capable of Twittering and Facebooking from my desktop, laptop, iPod Touch, cell phone, and XBox 360. I can share inane thoughts anytime!

I feel too connected.

Lecture

2009-12-01T13:36:00.001-08:00

Do you avoid Employee Ice Jamming? You should. You should turn to that employee and say, "pardon me sir! I just paid a hefty price for this here soda, and all I see is a cup of ice. Ice! Did I pay for a heaping cup of ice? I didn't. Of course I didn't! I bought soda! Soda was the thing being sold, and the thing being purchased. Yet, here we are! An ocean of ice! A dearth of soda! Do you know what dearth means? Well, look it up on your own time jackass! There's a glacier in my cup. Fix it! Fill this with, at most, a smattering of ice, and the rest? Well, the rest should be soda. You know...the shit I bought."

Good day!

Excuse Me

2009-12-01T13:14:00.001-08:00

Maintain at least three steps between you and other parties on an escalator. Any closer and you look impatient, nosy, or about to snatch their child. If you notice the woman clutches her kid a little tighter you can't set everything right with, "I wasn't going to kidnap your child." That just escalates the weird. You are now "stranger danger." Live with the branding.

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Overhead

2009-12-01T13:05:00.001-08:00

Two years in this apartment and I never knew the stove had a hood light. Did I know about the hood? Yes. Light? Not a clue.

Patiently Waiting

2009-11-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited about Fern Gully....I mean Avatar!

Has anyone noticed the similarities? I picture James Cameron sitting down with the grandchildren, watching Fern Gully, and thinking, "I'm going to redo this picture for $400 million." Did you know Avatar has cost that much to produce and market? I guess the genius behind Terminator, Aliens, and Titanic can do whatever the hell he wants to, though. God knows I'll be at the midnight screening.

I'm buying my tickets today. Who's in?!

Git On Out

2009-11-22T13:56:00.001-08:00

Every day is a learning opportunity! For instance, I just learned I'm experiencing the lowest point in my television watching life, Pokerstars.net Million Dollar Challenge.

Breakfast

2009-11-21T10:54:00.001-08:00

My waitress sounds Hispanic but looks like Elvira. This is strange.

Turn It On

2009-11-21T10:44:00.001-08:00

I don't want you to hear me in the bathroom. I don't want anyone to hear me in the bathroom. Regardless if it's one or two, the faucet comes on. Why does a stream of water sound better then a stream of urine? I don't know, but in some corner of my brain I'm being told, "much better! Less offensive!"

Over the course of my life I'm sure I've drained the Atlantic Ocean through my sink.

Curses

2009-11-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

Does anyone think strikethroughs are amusing, or interesting? So many bloggers are using them as "windows into what I'm really thinking." Well, I call bullshit. They're orchestrated and lame. I get it, you strike one "thought," and type another. Hilarious. You're the prop comic of writing! You can't rely on your own material? You have to rely on the strikethrough to sell the funny?

~~A well placed strike can be funny, but let them be an occasion, and not the backbone. I suppose I could just stop reading drivel. I probably will.~~

You're a great writer!

Decorate

2009-11-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

A close friend recently purchased a new house, and the interior is bare. White. Everywhere. It feels like walking around an insane asylum without the padded walls.I'd go nuts. I'm sure they're going nuts. I'm calling daily to monitor their sanity.

When I buy a house I'm going to hire graffiti artists to tag the inside of my house. They can do whatever they want t the walls. In the end, they get a chance to practice and I'll get some hip wall art. I'll turn this:

Into this:

I missed my calling. I belong on HG tv.

Bang Oasis

2009-11-20T17:29:00.001-08:00

Greeting everyone who enters West Sacramento is a billboard highlighting the 30 motels available in the city.

I don't think West Sacramento is interested in shaking their, "lookin' for a whore? Head to West Sacramento" stigma. In fact, seems they've embraced their prostitution legacy. Thirty motels and no waiting? That's a cheaters Shangri-La. In a morality soaked world maybe West Sacramento is embracing their one stop shop for debauchery.

West Sacramento, if I may suggest a new motto: A place to nail, after losing the detective tail.

Track

2009-11-20T16:52:00.001-08:00

This little bee has been gimping around for the past few minutes. He just can't seem to fly. His wing might be busted.

It's strange seeing a bee unable to fly. I'm watching nature fail.

Running Numbers

2009-11-20T15:15:00.001-08:00

Within a few miles of each other there's a pair of mexican restaurants, Tres Hermanas and 3 Hermanos. They are unrelated. Is there some important meaning behind the number three and siblings in Hispanic culture?

France Flections 11

2009-11-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

Let us agree that telephones are a comfort, and there rings should be a pleasant reminder; "hey buddy. You're wanted. Hey buddy, you're wanted. Hey buddy, you're wanted."

France, however, is populated with murderous telephones, rings that scream, "fuck you asshole! Get out of bed! You are my bitch!" Ringing that causes internal injuries. Below you'll find evidence of what I can only describe as ear rape:

France Flections 10

2009-11-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

While exploring the Alsace region of France we toured medieval castle Haut-Koenigsbourg. They were big on hunting.

I called this room PETA's Nightmare.

France Flections 9

2009-11-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

Kanye West! On my Coke Light bottle. Isn't it ironic the sun, that which allows us life and purpose, the center of our solar system, is dressed like Kanye? It's like sipping social commentary.

France Flections 8

2009-11-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

Notre Dame! What an amazing structure. An inspiring testament to human ingenuity. Something built hundreds of years go is still being admired and used as a place of worship.

And, right across the street from this awe? Subway.

Awesome. I can find salvation and score a five dollar foot long.

Go Forth and Multiply...If It Looks Like Stefanie Meyer

2009-11-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how I feel about the most recent cover to sell the book Wuthering Heights:

It's been Twilighted! It looks something that fits snugly into the Stefanie Myer book cover collection:

The publishers are even using fictional characters to push a real book. Check out the upper right corner of the Wuthering Heights book:

The classic doesn't even sell itself! The publishers need angst ridden teens who don't even exist to help sell copies. Like I said, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Actually, yes I do. I know how I feel. I'm going to go cup half full and applaud the publishers. At least, they're trying to sell the book. They know the market, and the market wants Meyer. A little external Meyerfication never hurt if the classic is still breathing underneath.

France Flections 7

2009-11-20T11:43:00.001-08:00

Dungeons and Dragons... in Paris? Geeks are everywhere. How terrifying. What if they rise up and unite the world under their common language of elves, spells, and pimples.

Thankfully, it probably won't happen. D&D players aren't recognized as people. Well, not whole people anyway. They're only 3/5ths a person (even dungeon masters). It's all there in the constitution.

France Flections 6

2009-11-20T11:33:00.000-08:00

Notre Dame has a radio station? Home of "Jesus in the Morning! Start your day with a little J. Where once there was traffic congestion, let there be light....traffic!"

If I were producer that's the show I'd make.

French Flections 5

2009-11-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

My calzone looks like a graceful stingray slipping through the ocean. I ate him. I did it for Steve. We'll never forget you....you crocodile hunting genius!

French Flections 4

2009-11-20T11:19:00.001-08:00

Rodin Museum. Twenty million dollars of sculpture. Thirty bucks on air conditioning.

French Flections 3

2009-11-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

There Will Be Blood. It looks like gypsy on the right is about to beat down Middle G. Sales people in France needs some lessons. You don't stand 3 feet from your competition and offer the exact same product. Silly French. Diversify that street portfolio!

Faux gold Eiffel Towers have been done....to death! Offer the meandering tourists something different. Scoop up dirt near famous landmarks and sell that. I'm just spit balling.

What a Doughnut

2009-11-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

FYI....Microsoft Word consistently asks if you meant "doughnut," instead of "douchebag." My iMac, however, simply asks, "douche-bag," or "douche bag?" Ha! Steve Jobs...you're a man of the people.

The Road....of Death!

2009-11-19T20:20:00.001-08:00

The freeway is unusually empty. This is creepy. I expect zombies to appear on the horizon any second. They'll charge towards me, and I'll e-brake. As I steady the car with my right hand, I'll use my left to level a double barreled shotgun at the undead. I'll protect what's left of humanity with a torrent of bullets.

It'll be quite the spectacle, and finally, driving with a shotgun in hand pays off.

Going Down

2009-11-19T20:18:00.001-08:00

I like sharing my thoughts, and documenting douchebags. This balding d-bag refused to turn off his Blackberry during the flight. He literally scoffed when I asked. He followed up with a smirk and rebuff, "do you really think it's going to do anything? He pocketed the phone, and we didn't talk.

Look, turning off a phone is a precaution. Let's adhere to all those rules that keep us from plummeting out of the heavens and towards an explosion that'll send us right back to heaven. Well, I'm confident you won't be heading to heaven you d-bag. In fact, you're probably going to rocket off to Hell. I'm crossing my fingers you're bunking with a rapist in Hell.

Pithy

2009-11-19T19:40:00.001-08:00

Time to do laundry. My towel selection after showering this evening is pitiful.

Six Lounge of Austin Texas

2009-11-19T19:29:00.001-08:00

Did you know Lance Armstrong owns Six Lounge in Austin. He purchased the club after his sixth Tour de France victory (hence the name). It's a great place, and I suggest you spend an evening here dining, drinking, and lounging. However, I wish he named it One Lounge, in honor of his surviving testicle.

Real Estators

2009-11-19T19:08:00.001-08:00

Real Estate Investors don't seem the type to need apprenti. Sorcerers have apprentices!

The Time Is Now

2009-11-19T18:54:00.001-08:00

Kids playing with lightsabers! I bet they feel they're pretty cool... which is great. Soak in that 'cool' now kids. In twenty years as you wander about that Star Wars convention you'll be anything but.

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Zippy Do Da

2009-11-19T18:49:00.001-08:00

Do you ever get nervous eating eggs? Me too! I worry the yolk, oozing about the plate will be unmanageable. It bursts out of the egg and within seconds everything on that breakfast plate can be yolk infested. What risk! Engineering yolk rivers away from pancakes and ham and bacon is vital.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Good luck.

Meal Foreplay

2009-11-19T18:39:00.001-08:00

I realized the picture came out extremely blurry (extra points if you can decipher fuzz), let me translate:

"In our effort to conserve our natural resources, water will be available upon request."

Wha???? Unconchinable! Are they hoping I'll down this taco on saliva alone? I'm not high maintenance, but I assume a restaurant, at the very least, can comp some tap water. I have to "bother" a waiter for the essentials?

I'm out! And, I shan't return.

How Low Can You Go

2009-11-19T18:21:00.001-08:00

In contention for the "World's Worst Bathroom Design." Anyone wanting to use the toilet better me limber as you'll be needing to limbo under a stream of urine.

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Top of the World

2009-11-19T18:16:00.001-08:00

Clarion offers stationary and envelopes with the Clarion logo. It's complimentary in every room, but who cares. Is any guest wanting to publicize their stay at a Clarion? I don't want to write loved ones on letterhead that communicates, "I can't do better then $39.99 a night!"

I'll pay extra for a room that strips away all mention of "Clarion." Make me feel special. Clarion should offer themed rooms. Each room is the theme of another hotel. There is the Four Seasons room, and the Hilton, and the W, and....you get the point.

Dentist Dojo

2009-11-19T17:51:00.001-08:00

Doesn't this font look, "Asian?" I can't describe it any other way. This is the same font Asian restaurants and karate schools use. Seems like a ridiculous choice for a dentist. Maybe the dentist is trying to tap a niche market. And...by niche....I mean 2 billion Asians.

Toss

2009-11-19T17:45:00.001-08:00

Sarah! I love you, but you have to much shampoo and conditioner and "essential oils!" You're only one head of hair. You don't need your weight in product on the bathroom shelves. God forbid you're showering when an earthquake strikes. You'll be buried alive under bottles and jars and tubs. They'll find you days later, a mangled corpse with amazing skin. She died so young....but what a glow!

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Bee Product

2009-11-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

I like buying honey, but I don't eat much honey. I can't figure it out.

Coastal Discoveries

2009-11-19T17:28:00.001-08:00

Last weekend I went down to Monterey. Beautiful California coast, and I was fixated on dippin' dots. Dippin dots stores exist? I always thought the dots were only peddled from carts. I hadn't considered an actual store. It's like their kingdom, their chilly home base, their Fortress of Solitude.

P.S. Check out the sign! The name, "dippin' dots" isn't capitalized. That's weird. What's the marketing theory behind that? You know some hired gun said, "leave it lower case! You'll sell more!" Prove it!

Throwing Money Away

2009-11-19T13:59:00.001-08:00

What!? Expensive clothing for the preggo in your life? What a waste of money. Pregnant women can't be attractive.

Percolating

2009-11-19T09:10:00.001-08:00

Oh god! My morning breath is particularly acute today. And, by acute I mean it smells like I killed a homeless person, let him rot for a month and then ate him.

Boarding Business

2009-11-06T11:54:00.001-08:00

I'll tell ya when an airport becomes boring! It's the day they get rid of stair cars. Boarding ramps are so dull. Stairs, though! What a fun way to get off the plane. Exit stale air. Enter fresh air.

Hit Me

2009-11-06T11:43:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it! A pregnant woman playing blackjack in a smokey casino. Abominable! Monster! The baby could suffer severe birth defects because mommy wanted to double down!

FYI...i was a minority at the tables.

Ntrclls

2009-11-06T11:05:00.001-08:00

I don't take any pictures of quirky license plates. However, this one needs to be documented:

(I like the verb 'document.' It sounds offical. It sounds important. It makes taking pictures of 'poo' vechicles sound invaluable.)

Jungle

2009-11-06T10:57:00.001-08:00

I don't understand why anyone would put such a detailed portrait of tigers on a motor home. Hell, why would you put any portrait of tigers on a motor home. Even a stick figure labeled "tiger" would look silly.

Are you trying to look menacing? A threatening force lumbering through in the RV Park? "Don't mess with that guy! He's insane! He paid for a tiger painting!"

Switcheroo

2009-11-06T10:34:00.001-08:00

Let's see if I can't squash this terrible nail biting habit. I've only been addicted for 28 years! I'm replacing my love of biting with a love of chewing; trading one oral fixation for another.

Gaming

2009-10-30T16:51:00.001-07:00

If you're ever stuck in Burbank, CA, pass the time playing Spot The Porn Star. As of this post, 10 minutes into my Burbank adventure, I have a score of 36.

Twit

2009-10-28T09:16:00.001-07:00

This seems like a very primitive version of Twitter.

I'm wondering if the cops hire this guy to drive around sharing the message "SPEED CHECK." I will admit, I immediately slowed down.

iTouch (for) Myself

2009-10-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

Damn! Ignorance really is bliss. Someone showed me an Apple iTouch last night and I was mesmerized. I didn't know anything like that existed. I thought an iPhone was the only way to get all those fancy schmancy apps, and cool internet capabilites.

Well, like I said, damn! Now, I need one. Knowledge has made me greedy and is setting me back $200.

Not To Much

2009-10-27T08:52:00.001-07:00

If I were a prostitute I'd have this sign by my bed. Of course, that's assuming it's an in-call. If I were on an outcall I'd take the sign with me to the seedy motel.

Drive By

2009-10-26T14:58:00.001-07:00

Helping the speech and hearing impaired? That's not thoughtful McDonalds! These people can't hear or speak, and now we're going to help them order fattening food? We're adding obesity to their list of challenges?

The best thing we can do is disallow the deaf and mute into fast food restaurants.

Three

2009-10-25T17:25:00.001-07:00

In line at Disneyland I spied three generations of tattoo lovers. Well, at least two. The father and son were thoroughly inked, and the young kid had some rub on tats. It was like watching an indoctrination. The adults might have well started chanting, "you will love skin decor! You will hate bare arms!"

Pair

2009-10-25T17:17:00.001-07:00

The Italian restaurant in Disneyland offered wine suggestions for each menu item. What wine might go best with a Meatball Sandwich? Oh, Disneyland knows.

Stuff It

2009-10-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

This dude is reading Indiana Jones and the Army of the Dead....in the airport! What a fan boy ! take that trite stuff into the bedroom! Don't read it in public. You should be ashamed!

You should reads books in public that make you look smart; a book that makes someone go, "damn! Look at the brain on that guy! I'm in awe of his thinking."

80's! The New Black!

2009-10-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

Does the new Jeopardy set look like something that belongs on an 80's sweater? It's a rhetorical question.

A Special Place In Hell

2009-10-21T13:16:00.001-07:00

You can't really see it, but my Mormon coworker is going 70mph.....with a speed limit that reads 65mph! Say what! A law breakin' Mormon? I'm shocked, and grateful. I'm tired of riding in the car with him.

(Not because he's Mormon. Some of my best brother-in-laws are Mormon.)

Wrong Message

2009-10-21T07:33:00.001-07:00

This message was directly in front of my seat on the airplane. It says, "Continental Airlines doesn't care about you."

Safety

2009-10-20T10:40:00.001-07:00

I'll never be accused of bad breath again!

(Either the cashier thinks I have horrendous halitosis, or that I'm a raging alcoholic (You can get drunk on Listerine right? (That seems an unpleasant way to get wasted (Then again, alcoholics aren't really renowned for their great decisions)))).

Taking a Stand

2009-10-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

I'm going to make a controversial statement: the Kentucky accent, in a woman's hands, is not just sexy, but the sexiest accent. Period. (yes, even more then the french).

I would challenge you to name a more appealing accent, but it's impossible. Don't trouble yourself with a fruitless hunt.

Mystery Drink

2009-10-20T09:50:00.001-07:00

I always push down the little tabs on my soda lids fast food employees use to distinguish teas from diets from etcs. It's a purposeless habit. No one ever knows if I'm drinking tea, diet, other, or 'p.' What the hell is P? Punch? Wouldn't punch qualify as a 'other.'

Bring It On

2009-10-20T08:33:00.001-07:00

Ever wanted to play Stump the Preacher? Well, now you can! Just head over to nicholasvillecoc.com.

There's no shortage of awesome signage in Kentucky.

Style Points

2009-10-19T16:48:00.001-07:00

I'm not condemning all Houstonians, but this is one of the first images that greeted me as I arrived. Flowers stitched onto a jean jacket, bedazzled pants (these babies shimmer), and a multicolored broach (it looks like a fantastically highlighted pomeranion pinned down.)

These people know fashion!

Sentimental

2009-10-19T15:47:00.001-07:00

This was sweet, and made me smile.

Tea Time

2009-10-19T10:16:00.001-07:00

As a quarantined biohazard, the doctor feels I might have strep, swine flu, or both, I have a lot of time alone, time to think. A friend suggested I drink Jasmine tea to relieve my sore throat. It occurred to me there's a dearth of manly teas in the market place.

Tea companies! Tap that elusive man market. Pack store shelves with names like Bench Press tea, Shotgun tea, and One Night Stand tea ("a tablet of Plan B in every cup"). Dudes'll buy that.

No No No No No

2009-10-19T05:32:00.001-07:00

A guy is reading Playboy as we wait for our Continental flight at the airport. Really guy?
I hope I don't sit next to John Doe on the plane. Flights are nerve racking enough without worrying about bumping into his erection.

How Would I Know

2009-10-19T05:10:00.001-07:00

Pretty people don't travel at 5am. This airport is a leper colony.

Operation Chip

2009-10-18T11:28:00.001-07:00

I'm making chocolate chip cookies! I've lived in this apartment for two years, and never once used the oven, so this is big. So far, I've turned on the oven. So far, so good.

Good Morning

2009-10-18T11:25:00.001-07:00

A Praying Mantis on the front door seems like some cosmic sign for good luck. I'm sure the truth is less appealling. I suspect the Mantis was mating with the door. What a pervert.

180 Degrees

2009-10-15T22:16:00.001-07:00

I think I'm a pretty bright guy. Not Mensa smart, but bright all the same. So, why don't I get it? Why do I walk away from every episode of Sports Night wanting to punch Aaron Sorkin in the face.

I'm laid up, sick for the foreseeable future, and wanted to pass the time with some quality television. I recalled the dozens of TV critics who decried ABC's decision to cancel Sports Night in the late 90s. They called it one of the best shows, ever. Ever! I decided to give it a shot.

Ever?

Eight episodes in, and I'm exhausted. I can see why Sports Night never found an audience. It's preachy and to proud of itself. I'm glad ABC had Sports Night taken out back and shot.

Lazarus Cookie

2009-10-13T23:38:00.001-07:00

What!? The Circus Animal cookies are back? I thought the company folded, the factories boarded up! I thought my hope, our dreams, of another batch of Circus Animals were dashed!

Well, guess not. The nation's nightmare is over. All this time I've been rationing the few bags I had left, when I could have been gorging on them! Well! No more stupid portion control for me!

Yak Yak Yak

2009-10-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

Biggest Loser should be called:

Fatties on a Soapbox...
or
Whales Waxing Philosophic...
or
Chattering Chunks...

...you get the idea.

Just shut up and lose the weight people. Suddenly, everyone's spewing wisdom like a dozen chunky Gandhis.

Pretty Upstairs

2009-10-13T20:22:00.001-07:00

A rainbow! It's like god is singlehandly trying to improve the urban stain we call Del Paso. I'd go and search for the gold at the foot of the rainbow, but it's Del Paso. I'd likely be shot.

Deb Haters

2009-10-12T16:37:00.001-07:00

Why does every woman I know hate Deb on Dexter. I inevitably have this conversation:

Me: I love Dexter!
Various Ladies: Me too! But, god! Deb is an annoying bitch!
Me: I like her.
VL: Get out of my bed!
Me: Fine! I didn't like these sheets, anyways! What's the threadcount? 30?

(10 seconds of silence)

VL: I already miss you!
Me: It's over toots! I'm out!

Relationships are hard work.

Everything Must Go

2009-10-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hey! Do you like the book learin'? Would you get more of that learnin' done if books were 30% cheaper? Well! Today is your lucky day! Borders Books winds down there Education Appreciation Week with 30% for all Teachers!

"Well, Paul," you bemoan, "I hate children, and would never teach them." That's OK! (I hope you're noting the plethora of exclamation points I'm using. This tip is that good).

Since today is the last day of Education Appreciation Week you just have to walk to up to the register, state you're a teacher, and they'll lop off 30%. They won't check to make sure you're a teacher! Loophole!

That's 30%! All you have to do is lie! Are you risking eternal damnation? Yes!

You can deliberate the ethics. I'm going to save some money.

Save The Word

2009-10-03T10:44:00.001-07:00

I was sharing my thoughts with a friend when she interrupted me and asked if we could continue in a bit because she was reading. I leaned over spied her reading material, an article on Saved By The Bell.

I don't think you should be able to use a word like 'read' if you're absorbing Saved By The Bell trivia. You read Moby Dick. You read Catcher in the Rye. You don't read "Saved By the Bell: Behind the Bell."

Reading is a thoughtful activity. I say we reserve the word for thoughtful, artistic works. Am I judging. Yeah. Guilty. Everything looks better from an ivory tower!

Instead of "reading" let's say "flipping through," for the functional and mediocre pieces, the "meh" works. For instance:

I'm flipping through the menu.
I'm flipping through the instruction manual.
I'm flipping through Twilight.

Oh snap! I said it!

Liquid Death

2009-10-03T10:08:00.001-07:00

I've been keeping Drano on the edge of my bathtub/shower. Pretty stupid/dangerous right? What does Drano do to skin? I imagine it melts skin. I picture a Wicked Witch of the West scenario in the near future.

I should move it. Maybe tomorrow.